It has been a while since I have written on my blog. The last two years have been difficult. I think many of you will know how I feel.
In 2019 my mum died. A heart attack that was brought on by decades of my mum fighting cancers. She was truly incredible. First being diagnosed at only 39. Her breast was removed. She returned back to her job as soon as she could. Her next fight with cancer was when she was 60. Her second breast was removed. Then in 2018 she was diagnosed with lung cancer. In January 2019 at 4am she died of a heart attack. My dad, who was her soul mate witnessed the loss of his wife. I found my mum next to her bed, still warm but no longer with us. The pain of seeing my mum like this was nothing on earth.
You see thirty years earlier my brother had died in a tragic accident at Imperial College student digs. Only a couple of weeks away from his twentieth birthday. He was exceptionally bright and talented. His whole life ahead of him. His death had a profound affect on the three of us left. It created a unique bond in grief.
On the 15th August my dad died. After my mum died he came and lived with my family. He was so happy with us, though he missed my mum. Then this April he couldn’t walk. I can’t go into many details but for years the Drs suggested he had arthritis and yet it must have been prostate cancer. To say I am angry with the system is an understatement.
I became the orphan on 15th August. I have no other siblings.
Why am I writing this. I just feel that grief isn’t dealt with in our society. After a week. It is back to normal. But we all know that isn’t true.
Yes we have to move forward and remember all those good memories. There many to cherish.
So here are my thoughts on it all. Yes it can make you more determined to make the most of each day. My brothers death certainly changed my view on life but it also damaged me. There is no getting away from this. Yet back in the 1980s what mental health support was there ? I struggled through College and now only realised I must have had PTSD. Goodness knows how I managed to get through what happened but I did. Maybe I am more like my mum than I know. Though I am sure my parents needed help – they never got that mental health support either. Shocking when you think about it.
People never share enough about what they have gone through and may see it as a weakness. I see it as a strength and allows understanding. That is is why I am sharing my grief story with you. What we go through shapes who we are, shapes our lives and hopefully can help others.
My dad was highly intelligent and thought out his reasoning. He would give me snippets of advice. “No one is perfect” ( true ) and some of his last words to me ( apart from him singing to me ) were “Do what you have to do…”
These words keep coming into my thoughts and are probably the most beneficial words to me.
I feel incredibly sad at the moment – which we know is natural – but our unique bond in grief with my parents is why that pain is acute. But I keep hearing those words ‘Do what you have to do…” and I know what he means and that’s what I am going to do.
I am going to go forward with all those memories, their special presence on this earth whether it be only 20 years or 78 years. They made a difference and that is what I am going to do.
And we should all “Do what we have to do…”
Share your stories and give understanding and strive to make this world a better place.
Love from me to you.
